What does it mean for husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church?

If wives are called to submit, husbands are called to something even more demanding. Paul writes, “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:25). This is not a call to romantic feeling alone; it is a call to the same kind of love that sent Jesus to a cross.

Notice, too, who initiates this love. Christ did not wait for the church to become lovable before loving her; he loved her while she was still in rebellion against him (Romans 5:8). A husband’s love is meant to work the same way — leading with love rather than waiting for his wife to earn it.

This is worth sitting with, because it is common for husbands to quietly withhold love until their wife behaves in a way that feels deserving of it. Christ’s example forbids that transaction. He loved first, loved fully, and loved while still being rejected, and only afterward did the church respond with love and worship in return. A husband’s love that waits for good behavior before it is offered has already departed from the pattern Paul is describing.

Christ’s love for the church was costly. He “gave himself up for her” — laying down comfort, reputation, and ultimately his life. A husband who loves this way does not ask, “What can my marriage do for me?” but “What can I lay down for my wife’s good?” That might mean surrendering personal ambitions, adjusting daily habits, or simply choosing patience on a hard day instead of demanding his own way.

This kind of sacrifice rarely looks dramatic. It looks like getting up with a crying child so she can sleep, giving up an evening with friends because she needs him home, or absorbing an unfair word without retaliating. Small deaths to self, repeated daily, are how Christlike love actually takes shape in an ordinary marriage.

Paul continues that Christ loved the church “that he might sanctify her... so that he might present the church to himself in splendor” (Ephesians 5:26-27). Christ’s love had a purpose — the good and holiness of the one he loved. A husband’s love, likewise, should actively seek his wife’s spiritual growth, joy, and flourishing, not merely his own satisfaction.

Practically, this means a husband who prays for his wife's growth in Christ, encourages her gifts, and wants to see her thrive spiritually as much as he wants his own comfort met. He asks not only, “Is she happy with me?” but, “Is she growing closer to Jesus because of how I love her?”

Paul adds a tender image: “he who loves his wife loves himself... he nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church” (Ephesians 5:28-29). Nourishing implies providing what she needs to thrive; cherishing implies treasuring her, delighting in her, treating her as precious rather than as an inconvenience or a possession.

This picture pushes back against any coldness or indifference creeping into a marriage over time. A husband who cherishes his wife still notices her, still delights in her, still speaks well of her, long after the initial excitement of a wedding day has settled into the routines of ordinary life.

This standard leaves no room for harshness, neglect, control, or selfishness. A husband who is quick-tempered, dismissive of his wife’s feelings, or focused only on being served rather than serving has fallen far short of Christ’s example. Loving like Christ is not sentimental; it is a daily, deliberate choice to put another’s good ahead of your own comfort.

Paul reinforces this elsewhere, telling husbands plainly, “do not be harsh with them” (Colossians 3:19). Any pattern of contempt, coldness, or cruelty toward a wife is a direct contradiction of the standard Christ set, no matter how it might be excused or minimized.

Some husbands assume that because they are the family's spiritual leader, disagreement from their wife is automatically disrespect to be corrected rather than wisdom to be weighed. That posture inverts Christ's own example. Christ, though sovereign over the church, still draws near, listens, and responds tenderly to his people's prayers and concerns. A husband imitating him will do the same — treating his wife's insight as a gift, not an obstacle to his authority.

Few husbands will face a literal choice between life and death for their wives, but every husband faces countless small opportunities: listening when he is tired, forgiving quickly, praying for her by name, noticing what she carries and helping to carry it. Loving like Christ is built one ordinary decision at a time, empowered by the same Spirit who enabled Christ’s own sacrifice (1 Peter 3:7).

No husband achieves this perfectly, and none should pretend to. When you fall short, as every husband does, the same gospel that sets this high standard also offers forgiveness and fresh grace to try again tomorrow, growing a little more Christlike with each season of marriage.